Saturday, April 16, 2011

Happiness is...

Making the decision to get divorced was not easy. Duh. I knew for a long time that the relationship was not healthy and going nowhere, for years probably. But it took me a long time to finally make that final step because I was scared. Scared because I had been out of the work force for so long and knew that I would need to find a job to support Peyton and I. Scared because I think there’s a certain stigma still with being divorced and I was worried at how people would react and if they’d treat me the same. Scared because I thought I might never find anyone who would want to date me, being a single mom. I mean, I’m a handle full on my own, but adding a kid and an ex that will always be in my life – that’s a lot to ask of another person to take one.

I soon realized that being miserable trumped being scared. So I took gave him the papers and the process began. It was actually pretty painless for me. It might sound callous of me, but I never shed a tear over the end of my marriage. By that time, I knew I was making the right decision. And the things I was scared of soon melted away – even if they didn’t go away.

I still needed to find a job – still do. But I’ve dealt with that fear by realizing that I can only do what I can do. I just keep plugging away on the job hunt and know that the right thing will come along eventually.

As far as how people were going to treat me after I got the divorce, I realized that wasn’t my problem, but theirs. If someone really cared about me, they saw how much happier I was, how much healthier it was for everyone involved and supported me. There are those who don’t and maybe they just don’t understand just how bad things were. I was embarrassed for a long time to admit just how bad they were, so I think some people just don’t get why it didn’t work out. Regardless, divorce is the kind of event that helps you know who really wants to be in your life and who it might not matter as much to.

And finally, as scared as I was that I wasn’t going to meet someone, I wasn’t so scared that I went looking for love with some kind of desperation.  I figured I’d be single for a little while and then maybe try to meet someone. Try online dating, something like that. But, it didn’t happen that way.

Somehow, I found someone who not only accepted me with all of my flaws and difficulties, but embraced my life and the difficulties in that as well. I’ve tried as many ways as I can think of to try to scare him off, to show him how difficult my life can be sometimes, but he clearly doesn’t scare easily. Not at all actually. I feel so blessed every day to have him in my life. I could go on forever about him and how great he is, but I don’t want to nauseate anyone. :)

It’s funny to me now how happy everyone tells me I am. It makes me think I was a miserable mess before. And I realize I was. But not anymore. And not ever again. I realize that divorce doesn’t work out the best for everyone, but I don’t believe in being miserable in a relationship. It does no one any good and life is far to short. And in that short time, you should be as happy as possible. And right now, I’m happier than I ever dreamed I’d be.

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