What others think...

There was a time in my life when I cared a considerable amount about what people thought about me. I often let that concern take over my life and the decisions I made, whether or not it made me happy or not. There always seemed a little voice in the back of my head that asked, “What would so and so think about this?”

Maybe I’ve learned over the years that you can’t worry about what other people think, that you can’t please everyone. But I’d like to believe that it’s because I’m now accepting of who I am. In fact, I really like who I am and to admit that is a huge step for me.

Getting to this point was not easy. I know counseling helped a lot but I’ve also done a lot of self reflection and I’ve realized that when it comes to what others think about me, I can’t worry about it. At least not in the ways I used to.

People’s reaction to my engagement made me think about this and just how much my mindset has changed. I knew there would be people who thought it would be too soon. Those people are welcome to their opinion but they are wrong. I know that if that’s how they feel, then they don’t know me, Chris and our relationship.

So, I chose not to focus on those people. Instead, I’m celebrating with my family and friends who know how happy I am and how right all of this is. That’s what I focus on. That’s what I care about.

I’m 32 years old and finally ready to make decisions about myself, for myself without worrying who I am offending and who I am pleasing. And if someone doesn’t like it, it’s ok with me. I’m not worrying about it.

Single mother no more!

So…I got engaged this past weekend! And since then, I’ve been trying to decide what to write about. I wish I could share more of the details of my engagement…but I really don’t remember much of what happened! I attribute that to shock. We had talked about it and when we did talk about it, I was under the wrong impression that he was going to wait until later this summer. Surprise! I wasn’t convinced what was actually going on until I saw the ring, despite the fact that he was down on one knee and clearly emotional. All I know is, I am the luckiest girl in the entire world. I couldn’t be happier and hope that everyone has or will find the same happiness that I’ve found. I love you Chris and can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you!

Of course, being newly engaged, I’ve already purchased several bridal magazines and signed up for the Knot. And looking at all things wedding, my mind is reminded of one thing over and over…it’s diet time!

Now anyone who knows me, knows that I try my best to work out on a daily basis and eat well for the most part. But now, it’s game time! I’ve always struggled with my weight my entire life and have tried practically every possible diet and workout fad that has existed. And most don’t work. At least not in the long term.

So, this makes me think, what to do? I’ve had success with the Firm and P90X in the past, I love yoga and walking but lately, I’m stuck. And right now is not the time I want to be stuck! So, I’m starting a new workout regimen – Tracy Anderson’s 30-Day Method – and we will see how that goes.

Regardless of whether I lose another pound or not though, I do know that my future husband loves me for me. And above all else, that’s what matters the most.

A Blue and Gold Weekend

You know you are a die hard football fan when you sit for two hours in a cold, constant drizzle to watch a team’s spring game. And that’s just what I did last weekend along with 28,000 other crazies.

My mom, dad and I headed to South Bend, Indiana, which I consider to be one of the best places on earth. For those who don’t know, it’s the home of the Notre Dame Fighting Irish and a second home to me. I not only spent most falls of my childhood there, but also four years of college at Saint Mary’s, the (in my humble opinion) better school. Either way, there is nothing quite as magical to me as a football weekend in the Bend.

Spring game or not, it was fun to see the Irish back on the field and gave me something to hold over my impatience for the college football season to start. Fall can’t come soon enough for me!

After the game, we went to mass at the Basilica, which is one of the most beautiful churches in the world. And I’ve been to Rome, where there are more beautiful churches in a square mile than anywhere else. Sitting there, staring at the amazing arched ceiling, I was flooded with so many wonderful memories.

I thought about my mom telling me how when I was little, I said I wanted to go to Notre Dame, not Saint Mary’s and when she asked why, I said, “Because there’s boys here.”

I thought about my sister when we were kids and walking around with handmade signs that shouted in brightly colored marker “I need a ticket.”

I thought about my time as a football manager and how awesome it was to work at football practices, buff helmets before they were painted, get the locker room ready before game days, and getting to touch the Play Like A Champion Today sign.

I thought about how I met two of my best friends in the world at SMC and found another who had been in my life for a long time, my sister, that I didn’t fully appreciate until we shared a year in South Bend together.

I thought about how just seeing the Golden Dome makes me think of my parents and where they met and how glad I am that they did.

And most of all, I think of how there are so few things that can replace the feeling I have of being in South Bend on a football weekend, with my family and friends. Whether the team wins or loses, I’ll always have that. Even though I’d much prefer we win! Go Irish!

Happiness is...

Making the decision to get divorced was not easy. Duh. I knew for a long time that the relationship was not healthy and going nowhere, for years probably. But it took me a long time to finally make that final step because I was scared. Scared because I had been out of the work force for so long and knew that I would need to find a job to support Peyton and I. Scared because I think there’s a certain stigma still with being divorced and I was worried at how people would react and if they’d treat me the same. Scared because I thought I might never find anyone who would want to date me, being a single mom. I mean, I’m a handle full on my own, but adding a kid and an ex that will always be in my life – that’s a lot to ask of another person to take one.

I soon realized that being miserable trumped being scared. So I took gave him the papers and the process began. It was actually pretty painless for me. It might sound callous of me, but I never shed a tear over the end of my marriage. By that time, I knew I was making the right decision. And the things I was scared of soon melted away – even if they didn’t go away.

I still needed to find a job – still do. But I’ve dealt with that fear by realizing that I can only do what I can do. I just keep plugging away on the job hunt and know that the right thing will come along eventually.

As far as how people were going to treat me after I got the divorce, I realized that wasn’t my problem, but theirs. If someone really cared about me, they saw how much happier I was, how much healthier it was for everyone involved and supported me. There are those who don’t and maybe they just don’t understand just how bad things were. I was embarrassed for a long time to admit just how bad they were, so I think some people just don’t get why it didn’t work out. Regardless, divorce is the kind of event that helps you know who really wants to be in your life and who it might not matter as much to.

And finally, as scared as I was that I wasn’t going to meet someone, I wasn’t so scared that I went looking for love with some kind of desperation.  I figured I’d be single for a little while and then maybe try to meet someone. Try online dating, something like that. But, it didn’t happen that way.

Somehow, I found someone who not only accepted me with all of my flaws and difficulties, but embraced my life and the difficulties in that as well. I’ve tried as many ways as I can think of to try to scare him off, to show him how difficult my life can be sometimes, but he clearly doesn’t scare easily. Not at all actually. I feel so blessed every day to have him in my life. I could go on forever about him and how great he is, but I don’t want to nauseate anyone. :)

It’s funny to me now how happy everyone tells me I am. It makes me think I was a miserable mess before. And I realize I was. But not anymore. And not ever again. I realize that divorce doesn’t work out the best for everyone, but I don’t believe in being miserable in a relationship. It does no one any good and life is far to short. And in that short time, you should be as happy as possible. And right now, I’m happier than I ever dreamed I’d be.

MMMM Meat...or Not

Anyone who knows me knows that I love TV. Love it. In fact, my TV viewing and setting up my DVR for my weekly recordings is like a science for me. I set up my recordings a week ahead of time, not trusting the DVR to tape new episodes as it promises me it will. I trust myself to make sure I don’t miss a show. Because who knows what would happen if I missed an episode of the Real Housewives of New York.

While watching one of the shows I taped this week, Jamie Oliver’s Food Revolution, I was struck by how one of my more recent life changes was definitely the right one. I stopped eating any kind of chicken, beef, or pork almost a year and a half ago. Yes, I’m the bad word – vegetarian. Well, mostly anyway. I still eat fish and seafood, so I guess I’m technically a pescatarian?

Anyway, every once in awhile, I forget just why I gave up eating meat in the first place, my mind slipping into the deep dark world of the McDonald’s double cheeseburger or a hot dog from Notre Dame stadium or plain old greasy bacon. Several times, always after having a couple beers, I try to con someone into getting me some meat product that I wouldn’t eat otherwise. Don’t drink and eat. Luckily, everyone tells me no, even if it gets them in trouble. I went to the roller derby with my boyfriend recently and practically begged for a double cheeseburger on the way home. (Yes, beer was involved). He said no and then got a hard time the next day for it.

Well, Food Revolution gave my brain that little nudge that reminded me why it is that I’m abstaining from meat. Oliver showed exactly where they get part of the meat from that goes into kids school lunches and what they do to it to make it edible. I won’t go into details here. No need to gross out the meat eaters out there. But I love what his show is doing. Educating those who want to be educated (and even those who don’t) about good nutrition and exactly how to achieve it.

And if you want to educate yourself more, I highly suggest reading Eating Animals by Johnathan Safran Foer. It’s a very unbiased look at where food comes from and why it’s so important to know where the food your eating actually is coming from, especially the meat you eat. Neither Oliver or Safran Foer are advocating vegetarianism, just eating smart and healthy.

So, while my decision for not eating meat has been reinforced, I’m sure there will be a time again when I drive by a McDonald’s and beg for one of those delicious burgers, with those tiny onions and fluffy buns. But, I’ll keep resisting, reminding myself just why I chose not to do it in the first place. My love for animals far outweighs my love for eating them. 

Introducing Me

“Some boys take a beautiful girl and hide her away from the rest of the world/ I want to be the one to walk in the sun/ Oh girls, they wanna have fun. Oh girls just wanna have fun.” – Cyndi Lauper

I know what you’re thinking…the world doesn’t need another blog. And you’re probably right. But I’m going to write one anyway! As a recently divorced, single mom who is currently unemployed, I’ve got a TON to say and unloading it all out onto the World Wide Web just seems like a good idea.

While my description of myself may seem like I’ve got lots to complain about and will probably turn this blog into a whiny pity party, believe me, I won’t. I’m actually far more optimistic and happy then I ever thought I’d be in my current position.

I would say the worst part is being unemployed, but to be honest, I would be lying. I realized today all of the things I can accomplish while my daughter, Peyton, is at preschool. I cleaned the entire house top to bottom, did my P90X workout, took my adorable dog Maggie for a two-mile walk, watched Bethenny Ever After and even had time to shop at Target. And if I were working, I would never have had the time to do all of those things in a week, let alone a morning and afternoon. Don’t get me wrong – I need a job! But, I’m going to appreciate the time while I have it!

Being divorced isn’t so bad either, other than the fact that I still have to see my ex on a regular basis. Good for Peyton, bad for me. Of course, I’ll never let her know what I really think about her dad. Besides, if I did, she’d just yell at me and tell me that I’m using bad words. Not that I’m not ever tempted. Especially when he does something stupid. Which is often.

Being a single mom is good or bad, depending on the day. Being a mom is always great and a job that I cherish. I love that I get so much time with Peyton, just the two of us. We’ve got a really special bond and I am thankful for that every day. Then there are the times when she tries to flex her little four-year-old independence. It’s not always easy to be the only disciplinarian, care taker, entertainer and teacher. Thankfully, I’ve got a great support system or I might just lose my mind.

Which brings me to the Cyndi Lauper quote and my starting the blog with it. I heard the song not to long ago and those lines resonated with me. For so long, I felt so trapped in my life. I feel like I can walk in the sun again finally. And I plan on having lots of fun. Because I’m a girl that’s what we wanna do!